dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
