Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
