She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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