I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
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