Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
