Your dad touched me again.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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