just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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