haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
