i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
