I love having hate sex.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
