I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
no, he came in my armpit
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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