Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize