I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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