I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
