I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
