It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
