I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
