so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How does it feel to date your dad?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
