you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
