Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My penis needs a shock collar
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
