i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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