There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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