theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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