google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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