I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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