i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So squirting runs in the family.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
