I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize