My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
