Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
