I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
