I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
