I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
