You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
