When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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