I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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