How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
