my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
whose parrot is this?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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