im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
