people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
