I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
