im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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