you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
