Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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