Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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