I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
