Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize