I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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