apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
