i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i now understand why vodka
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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