i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
