i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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