My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
