dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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