On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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