I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
