I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
