nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I checked into jail on foursquare
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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