I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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