the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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