my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He passed out mid-signature
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
