so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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