sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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