That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
