I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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