Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
