Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't deserve a penis
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
