So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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