You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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