My friends, they love my intelligence
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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