Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
