please come you make the beer taste better
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
