Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
