you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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