He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
