I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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