just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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