Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
